My one year anniversary is coming up and I don't know what to get my girlfriend. She always says that she doesn't need or want anything but then she gets mad if I don't get her anything, as I learned on her birthday. Do you have any ideas?
-Just Want to Get Laid
Dear Just Want to Get Laid,
First, women are liars. Any woman who says that she doesn't want a gift, or that she isn't mad or that she doesn't care what you do, is bullshitting you. They do want a gift, they just don't want to tell you what they want because they want you to guess. And when you get it wrong, she will be mad. Because women are bitches. Second, stop being such a pussy. One year anniversary? Man up. However, it's understandable that you want to get laid, and we here at The Perturbed know the perfect pantie-dropper: Bacon Roses. You might be saying to yourself "but my girlfriend is always on a diet". Well my friend, inside every woman is a fat girl dying to devour pig on a stick. Now, if your next thought is "but my girlfriend is a vegetarian" than I'm going to have to give you some sound advice: dump the bitch. You can't trust someone who hates vegetables so much that they are personally trying to wipe out entire gardens while sparing all the animals. Vegetarians are assholes. So, dump the veg-head and pick up a proper carnivore and make her bacon roses. If these bad boys don't drop her panties, than nothing will.
-You People
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